Imaginary Love…

How can you love someone you haven’t even met before, in fact, how can you love someone who doesn’t even EXIST yet??

This is exactly how I feel. I feel more ready now than I ever have been. I get so emotional at the thought of God blessing us with a miracle child that my heart fills with so much love, more than I can handle. The thought of all the exciting and fun times I have planned for our future children sometimes seems like to much to bare. I honestly don’t think I have ever felt so much love for something, yet its not even in my life yet.

Our next round of IVF (full stim cycle) will see us lining up at the starting blocks when I get my next ladies week. I’ll be making our 21 day appointment, I could have done it this month, but wasn’t sure if funds would clear in our account in time for the 21day appointment and payment. Turns out we would have, but it mustn’t be our time yet!

About 2 months ago I walked out of my job, I abused my selfish, non compassionate, asshole of a manager and walked out never to return. I Wasn’t happy and certainly don’t need that stress. So I have been searching for a Part Time job so I can do business stuff in between, I have been offered a few jobs but they don’t accommodate what I want, and it defeats the purpose of me walking out of a fulltime job to walk into another.

It’s funny though, I sometimes, if not ALWAYS feel like the reason I felt so “unhappy” is mainly due to frustration. Frustration because I’ve been walking through life for many years now wondering what my purpose is, and what job is right for me. I feel right now that my purpose and dream job is to be a Mother, the frustration comes because I know I will be amazing at it. Not perfect, but amazing in the eyes of my husband and children. Wanting, in fact NEEDING something that the universe tries to tell you that you cannot have while laughing in your face…. hurts.

Because of this the fire in my belly has turned to an inferno, and the passion which helps it continue to blaze, I think is what fills my heart with so much love and emotion for this human being I have not met, this being, we have not even created yet.

Dear Future Child(ren) Your mama loves you like there’s no tomorrow! Although for the love to be reciprocated I need to wake up for tomorrow.

Woah! That just reminded me, a few months ago I had a strange dream and I woke up to write this following little “poem” I think that’s when someone ignited the flame in my belly! (Searching for my notes on my iPhone as that was all I had at the time haha….)

Written on 7th August 2013 by yours truly, **Hope, Believe, Faith**

I keep having this dream
I wish it would come true
For our life isn’t complete
Until we have you

Ten little fingers Ten little toes
The perfection of your face Only god knows
It’s been the longest wait
But you’re worth it all the same
We’ve already planned your future
We even know your name

The aching of our heart
Everyday that we’re apart
Mum and Dad are waiting
We have been from the start

Your precious hands and tiny lips
Right through to your fingertips
All a part of who we are
We love you now, even though you’re far

Until the day that we meet you
We’ll keep praying our dreams come true
I’ll spend my savings, making sacrifices too
Just to prove how much we deserve you

Time is ticking, I feel you’re getting near
But I have the same feeling, every single year
When I wake from my dreams, there’s only one thing I can take
It’s to always believe, carry hope and have faith

When things are meant to be
They say it’s worth the wait
The yearning to have you with us
Nothing can ever replace.



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