Imaginary Love…

How can you love someone you haven’t even met before, in fact, how can you love someone who doesn’t even EXIST yet??

This is exactly how I feel. I feel more ready now than I ever have been. I get so emotional at the thought of God blessing us with a miracle child that my heart fills with so much love, more than I can handle. The thought of all the exciting and fun times I have planned for our future children sometimes seems like to much to bare. I honestly don’t think I have ever felt so much love for something, yet its not even in my life yet.

Our next round of IVF (full stim cycle) will see us lining up at the starting blocks when I get my next ladies week. I’ll be making our 21 day appointment, I could have done it this month, but wasn’t sure if funds would clear in our account in time for the 21day appointment and payment. Turns out we would have, but it mustn’t be our time yet!

About 2 months ago I walked out of my job, I abused my selfish, non compassionate, asshole of a manager and walked out never to return. I Wasn’t happy and certainly don’t need that stress. So I have been searching for a Part Time job so I can do business stuff in between, I have been offered a few jobs but they don’t accommodate what I want, and it defeats the purpose of me walking out of a fulltime job to walk into another.

It’s funny though, I sometimes, if not ALWAYS feel like the reason I felt so “unhappy” is mainly due to frustration. Frustration because I’ve been walking through life for many years now wondering what my purpose is, and what job is right for me. I feel right now that my purpose and dream job is to be a Mother, the frustration comes because I know I will be amazing at it. Not perfect, but amazing in the eyes of my husband and children. Wanting, in fact NEEDING something that the universe tries to tell you that you cannot have while laughing in your face…. hurts.

Because of this the fire in my belly has turned to an inferno, and the passion which helps it continue to blaze, I think is what fills my heart with so much love and emotion for this human being I have not met, this being, we have not even created yet.

Dear Future Child(ren) Your mama loves you like there’s no tomorrow! Although for the love to be reciprocated I need to wake up for tomorrow.

Woah! That just reminded me, a few months ago I had a strange dream and I woke up to write this following little “poem” I think that’s when someone ignited the flame in my belly! (Searching for my notes on my iPhone as that was all I had at the time haha….)

Written on 7th August 2013 by yours truly, **Hope, Believe, Faith**

I keep having this dream
I wish it would come true
For our life isn’t complete
Until we have you

Ten little fingers Ten little toes
The perfection of your face Only god knows
It’s been the longest wait
But you’re worth it all the same
We’ve already planned your future
We even know your name

The aching of our heart
Everyday that we’re apart
Mum and Dad are waiting
We have been from the start

Your precious hands and tiny lips
Right through to your fingertips
All a part of who we are
We love you now, even though you’re far

Until the day that we meet you
We’ll keep praying our dreams come true
I’ll spend my savings, making sacrifices too
Just to prove how much we deserve you

Time is ticking, I feel you’re getting near
But I have the same feeling, every single year
When I wake from my dreams, there’s only one thing I can take
It’s to always believe, carry hope and have faith

When things are meant to be
They say it’s worth the wait
The yearning to have you with us
Nothing can ever replace.

 

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I’m still alive!!

Hi All,

Just thought I would let you all know that yes, I am still alive! Just extremely busy at the moment. I actually sent hubby out fishing today so I can get some downtime and tonight (it’s just a little before 7pm here) I am sitting on the couch, with the business laptop upon my lap and typing this to whoever still comes by…. It’s that serious – I forgot what my username was 😦

So yes, I am still “In the game” but I’m sitting In the reserves waiting for my turn. I am still taking my DHEA which I have been falling behind on and slipping from routine the last week or two, I haven’t turned into a man as yet but I have gone back 10 or more years to puberty and have developed pimples in every place there is available on my face and my back and even my butt! Ho Hum, the things we do! That may be my excuse as to why I have been reluctant to take my pills 3 times a day. I have never been one for pimples, even when I was younger I have been blessed with European skin with the odd one ever few months, but now seems I’m making up for lost time. 

Yep! Busy is my life right now. This week coming we are in full swing of our business on our own (8 weeks training is over for hubby) so working fulltime, as I think I may have mentioned previously that I approached my boss to lower my hours and got denied. So working 8 hours a day then coming home trying to be business owner and domestic goddess is quite the task if I do say so myself. Finding sleep somewhere in between that is a miracle at times. But things should ease up soon. New financial year on Monday when we officially start which worked out well in that aspect, and as we are “on our own” now we can slowly sort and figure out a routine which will see the work/life/eat dinner before midnight regime fall into place in a timely manner – here’s to hoping! 🙂

So the plan was to save for our next full cycle of IVF and were not really getting anywhere with that at the moment, we have an expensive layby of our dining table and buffet which we are in the process of paying off as fast as we can, and also we went shopping last week and put on a layby for some lighting – blame the hubby for that one! Also being on paid training, the pay is quite minimal in comparison to what we have been used to in hubby’s previous job. But not sure how we are going to get on track for an end of the year cycle. Fingers crossed we will get there. The three months on DHEA would have seen us begin an August/September cycle. However our friends are having a shotgun wedding since they had a accident – she looked at his penis and magically fell pregnant after only being together for some 5 or so months. We are both in the bridal party so figured we cannot predict where in the cycle we will be in comparison to the wedding so we have decided to skip September and hopefully, if funds permit, we will be back on the IVF train by October. That’s what I say, if you speak to the other half he reckons we are not going to “Waste our money” on that again. But he somehow thinks that our babies will fall from the sky into my vagina? I’ve been staring at his peenie for nearly 10 years and it hasn’t worked.

Sorry, tried to find a little humour in a very frustrating situation. Went to the P!nk concert the other night, that woman is amazing! Her voice, her body, and her acrobatic talents and still being able to sing perfectly whilst hung upside down flying from one side of the stadium to the other is simply amazement. Went with a few girls from highschool – yes, highschool which for me was a long time ago, I graduated in 2003 – 10 YEARS AGO! And one of the girls that was there I had not actually seen since highschool. We speak extremely regularly on facebook as her and her hubby are enduring the IVF world at the moment also, It’s nice to have someone who understands all the ins and outs and has experienced what I have experienced to some extent (as all situations are different). But speaking to her on Wednesday night in person sparked something else inside of me again, I’m not sure what it is as I am still trying to figure it out, Its a kind of anxiousness, with a bit of anger and a side of sadness yet excitement for the future when it does happen but then I get the negativity all in my head thinking that its actually never going to happen?? Not quite sure but I feel as if my whole perspective has changed, Still trying to figure it all out and determine if this is a good or bad thing.

I think maybe life has just been way too full on at the moment my head has the inability to think straight or walk on the same path it has previously. I really do not know. But I do have my birthday coming up in 2 weeks!!! And I am doing something kind of special and exiting for myself which I will reveal on here. It’s actually happening the day before, Its something I have been itching to do but obviously the time hasn’t come yet so I’ve modified this idea/plan a little bit so I can experience a bit of it now and the rest later. All will be revealed soon so please do stay tuned as it’s something close to my heart.

Sorry if this has been painstakingly long, just wanted to “touch base” a little and update a bit and have a little vent. I have lots of venting to do but not quite in the mood for that right now. Thinking of updating this got me back to thinking about babies and stuff and now I’m in a funny place in my head so I might leave it for tonight 🙂

Please do stay tuned! My birthday is on the 12th so hopefully sometime around there I will be back with my surprise! Or maybe if the need strikes me and time allows me I will update again sooner.

Love to all xxx
K

Silence is Golden…

Hi All!

Just popping in to update as I haven’t posted for a while. Been really hectic lately with stuff other than trying to make a baby. Had our business training last week, got to bed just after midnight on Wednesday night then Thursday morning straight back into it, had floorboards put in on Thurs/Fri and our new roman blinds went in also. Then Weekend was full of my dad painting our office then sorting furniture back into it and millions of bits of paperwork for banks and everything else…. Busy Busy Busy!

I’m actively taking my DHEA pills which I need to take for 3 months before I make my next 21 day appointment. Hubby was given some “SpermMAX” pills from his friend (who I mentioned in previous post is now expecting) who knows if it will all make a difference, kind of pointless in my mind cos its inevitable that we have to fork out another several grand for IVF anyways, why not just let it do it’s thing there… Bad mind set I know, Sorry… I just feel lately like we’ve sorta hit a brick wall with the  IVF Stuff, not in a sense that “Oh we failed on the first attempt” because I know there are lots of people worse off than us. Moreso in a way that it’s like we’re sitting here wasting valuable conceiving time for 3 months while I am taking these DHEA pills. Whatever! So lovely side effects from these pills, was initially a lot of extra trips to the loo, but I think my body is adjusting to them now… And oily hair 😦 if there is one thing I CAN’T STAND it’s oily hair. Headbands are my best friends at the current time.

So that’s about all I have to say about that right now. We are signing our contracts for the business next week so then it’s madness from them onwards. I asked my work if I can cut my hours down from 38 to 30 hours which would allow me to have Fridays off to do business paperwork and go quoting jobs with hubby, but they said no. So I told him that I will be looking for another job. Asshole. Really wish the business was up and going now so I could just walk out. Since that conversation I typed a formal letter requesting the hour cut to my boss to forward onto HR at our head office. Haven’t heard anything yet, and my boss is not talking to me (doesn’t say good morning anymore) and treats me like I’m incompetent at my job. Grr! I just wish the Dick actually stopped and asked questions and he would realise this wont be happening for another 2 months or so anyways, and then we were all called into a huge “meeting” yesterday to advise that our company has lost one of its huge million dollar clients…. I was puzzled by the fact that they are all pretty much in tears over losing a million dollar client/job yet I had just offered to go for part-time/paycut….

Just over it really, and I’m searching for something else but it’s kind of hard because I don’t want part time, nor do I want full-time I just want Monday to Thursday.

So sorry for that, really needed to rant. This is just supposed to be a IVF/Infertility blog but really needed to get that off my chest. Oh well back to jobhunting!

 

We all feel like this once in a TTC while….Don’t We?

Hello World!! Sorry in advance, as I fear that this will be a long entry, as I have so much in my head, hence such a lot of information to transform into a blog. Positives first! Life is crazy busy at the moment (as usual) a lot of home improvements going on, which we have had in the pipeline for a while now and due to the IVF train being held at the station for a while we are able to spend money elsewhere for a bit. Have our 3 day training course for our business we are buying. That means flying to Melbourne next Weekend for 3 days and then on return we have the floorboards going in FINALLY – We’ve only had them “on hold” for around 5 months 🙂 Going in our lounge room, Office/Study and upstairs which is going to be man cave/entertaining area…. Also I finally got my hands on the DHEA and Melatonin so I will be starting them on Monday, and then after the three months of taking them I can make my next 21 day appointment to commence on our next full stim cycle of IVF….. Now here comes the downer of it all… I know all you ladies will relate to this so well and I’m not being bitter or anything (as much as it may sound like it) but I’m not the only one feeling this way in the current situation. One of my closest girlfriends messaged me last night asking how we have been, I didn’t reply to her txt msg until I woke up this morning, anyhoo long story short… she tells me that she is pregnant, not directly but more or less in a “joking” type of way, that lightly in conversation that I actually had to ask her twice “Are you pulling my chain” and “No, Seriously are you being serious or not” anyways turns out yes her and her partner are expecting… But, here is the rest of the story…. She is a single mother of a 4 year old child who has severe behavioural issues, she is a lazy parent to the point he still wears nappies because its “too hard” to train him. He goes to daycare/Kindy, yet she still doesn’t work. She has daily afternoon naps, he has been suspended and kicked out of multiple daycare’s for his attitudes, and I have witnessed first hand, this kid running away in a crowded place and her not noticing for several minutes then him refusing to come with her, she finally got him in the car and told him off and he started kicking and hitting her, so she hit him back and he was screaming. Then she gets in the drivers seat and turns around to him and says “Time for our waffles and ice cream now??” “Lets go get you ice cream”… Umm OK So I don’t have any children yet and I’m no parenting genius but I’m sure if you just tell you child off for something quite severe you don’t take them for ice cream straight after, and she wonders why he has such issues… well I’m going on a tangent… kinda, not really. Anyhoo so in August last year I had a little ladies shopping party type thing for cleaning products and she was there, when Hubby got home one of his/our mates came over as they were going to go out for a fish in the afternoon. We decided to tag along too once we had cleaned up and everyone left etc. So that was the first time these two seen each other, She mentioned that he was good looking bla blab la long story again cut short, they start hooking up and make it “official” at the end of September. Today its April… the following year, She still doesn’t work, he works really hard as he is self employed contractor and he has just decided to build his own house (great idea!! Which I am very happy for him), he is 25 and she is 31. Anybody understand my “issue” here? They haven’t even been together for a year as yet, have no foundation built together yet, she can’t even mother or look after the one she has now (who doesn’t listen to anybody at all which is a result of her soft parenting) yet for some reason, life has handed them this opportunity and another child. I spent the morning crying, look I get it I’m happy for them, as much as she isn’t, but I’m sad for us, and hubby is extremely pissed also. They both drink and smoke and do all the nasty things to their bodies, if she could afford it (which she can now at the moment as her bf is loaded) she would eat McDonalds/Hungry Jacks etc for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Yet hubby and I sit here, 5 years of marriage, both with full time jobs, work our asses to the bone. Have a lovely family home which we work to pay for, We do not go on luxury holidays as we are setting up our family home and foundation for our future yet we have to jump through hoops and break banks to even gamble on the opportunity to have a family. It’s just the world in general, and as I have said previously as much as I believe that everything in our lives happens for a reason, doesn’t mean that I understand it.. and it sucks! BIG TIME.

The one line she gave me which annoyed me to hell and back was (hold on checking my phone for confirmation of this one… “I’m spewin big time cos my plans have been stuffed up, I wanted to get married then have a child in a years time after that arrrrggghh” – Ungrateful bitch! My response was “Ha! Well take it from ME, I’ve learnt not to put too much into life planning because things won’t turn out the way you plan”…. Now this woman isn’t stupid… She is aware that we have been having trouble falling pregnant, not to the extent that we have just had our first and only failed IVF attempt, she was someone who I didn’t want to tell because she’s too self absorbed with her own life and the fact that she’s the only one on the face of our planet who has problems in life. She’s also not very sensitive to the matter and never has been always telling us to “Hurry up and have a baby” when I respond “Yeah, because we haven’t been doing it right the last 5 years?” But the ditzy bitch still doesn’t get it. So they are going for a shotgun wedding as his parents are very religious and old school and they can’t have a child out of wedlock. We had talked about their “future wedding” previously and she had asked me to be a bridesmaid… It’s just I never imagined it would be so soon and she would be expecting at the same time. Definitely going to be a test of my character, I will be by her side, but I can’t say what I will be thinking and what will be going through my mind… ho hum! So while I’m at it another thing I would like to rant on about is peoples perception of the life my hubby and I have for ourselves. Now anyone who actually knows me knows that I don’t give too hoots what people think of me, or my life, and I tell it like it is, I’m the one who will tell you if you’re a dickhead or whatever is on my mind. I have a theory, and I stick by it. Don’t say anything about anyone behind their back which you are not prepared to say to their face. This is why a lot of people tend to avoid me, because they get the truth, but then again do I look worried? But having said that that one thing that really grinds my gears is Judgement without the facts… As previously stated, yeah Hubby and I have a strong foundation. We have a double story house, he has a nice big boat and we both have nice mid ranged cars and we like to spend money on decent furniture which will last us a lifetime. Yet people look at us and think that we have it all. This also comes along with the perception that we have it easy also. I work 40 hours a week, hubby works 50 hours a week, like I said we don’t go on holidays… the last time we went on a holiday was for our first wedding anniversary 4 years ago. We don’t go out on the town, I don’t drink and hubby doesn’t drink excessively, we don’t eat out at expensive restaurants all the time. Our Parents do not support us financially in anyway whatsoever, (neither should they!) My mother in law has a huge foundation with many investments which her husband set up for his family before he passed away, yet she is the biggest tight ass person I have ever met, she makes more then us just in rental income a week yet still cries poverty and whinges that she has bills to pay… Because you know they are such a rarity and nobody else has them. But we work hard for what we have, everything we have we have worked for and paid for ourselves, yeah we have a big house, but it has a big mortgage. Yeah hubby has a rental property but he had a strict upbringing, when all the kids finished school and were going home to go play etc he had to go straight to where his dad was working and work his ass off with the family business, since the age of 7. Then when he didn’t want to go to school anymore his father made him work with him. Which he then took over the family business. When he turned 18, his dad told him how much money he had in his bank account and that all his hard work he was doing for those years and missing out on afterschool fun were all being funded. He got into an argument with his dad at this stage because he wanted to blow it all on a car.. His dad made him buy a house. Just a cheapo old house and he had enough money to pay for it with his earnings (with a small donation of thanks from his father) He still has this house. But he worked for it.

People look at us and what we have a think “They are loaded it’s ok they can be charity cases for us and when we want something they will help us”… 1. No, we are not loaded, we just choose to “invest our money and hard earning in other ways than others, Our home is where our heart is so we will complete it however we want. AND, 2. Just because we may look like we have it all to your small mind, there is still one thing that is missing to make our life complete. We’ve been together for 9 years this July, which is a long time to build a foundation together, We bought our first property together when we were together for 2 years, we sold it, we only managed to pay off our mortgage with what we got for it, and then we waited a few months to buy this current house. But like everyone we started from the bottom. So what we have a nice house, a nice cars and a nice boat which everyone is happy to go fishing on but by all means do not think that we have life handed to us on a silver platter and do not assume that we have it all.. Because as much as you may think we have it all, a nice house, some vehicles, furniture and boat doesn’t bring us the joy that the one missing puzzle piece holds.

If it came down to it, we could live in a run down box, working around the clock just for a couple of hundred dollars, but if we had our own little bundle of joy in flesh and blood everything in the world would be OK…. So next time you think about why we have what we have, think about what we DON’T Have, maybe that is the reason why we can afford to have what we do.

Just sayin… Maybe if our life was different and we had 5 kids, I sure as hell know we wouldn’t have a big house, and two cars and hubby to go fishing all weekend. Sometimes the things that matter the most is what you don’t have  rather than what you do. It would be nice if people could see that for what it is before judging and assuming that we have everything in life given to us.

Rant over. Sorry to bore you, just had to get it off my chest!

Lyrics of the heart

Hello!

Sorry for the lack of updates, obviously since our not so nice news (which was confirmed by bloods which I was not surprised with in the slightest as AF was in full swing by then) I’ve been trying to not think about the whole IVF thing as such, and keep busy with other aspects in life… and yeah, failing quite miserably at that by the way. As for hubby, I think there is a lot of anger, and dissapointment bottled up in there which he just won’t release besides the odd narky comment about the whole process in between the “I’m not happy with life” wall he puts up.

There are two songs which are doing my head in at the moment… Lyrics are (shortened) below and you can see why.

[A song which was written about his first born son]

Guy Sebastian – Big Bad World

From the time your hand
Didn’t fit round my finger
The first time that I saw you smile
I realized why I’m alive

And that time we
First hear you say the word, daddy
And when your front teeth disappear
Let’s still be clear, why I’m here

When life throws you arrows and makes you feel small
My love for you, child, will conquer it all

No you don’t have to worry
Won’t let the big bad world get you
No you don’t have to worry
Won’t let the big bad world get you no way

There’ll be battles
And they may be too big to handle
But while there’s still strength in these bones
You’ll never fight them alone

When your little heart breaks
Know that we feel each and every ache
Before you I never did know
Just how deep my love could go

All of the milestones and things that I’ve done
They can’t compare to you my son

Set sail and go
Don’t be scared if the mighty wind blows
Keep your eyes on the horizon ’cause I’ll be there
Calling you, calling you home

And [a song which was written in first person from a close friends recent miscarriage]

Ed Sheeran – Small Bump

You’re just a Small Bump unborn, in Four months you’re brought to life,
You might be left with my hair, but you’ll have your Mother’s eyes,
I’ll hold your body in my hands be as gentle as I can,
But for now you’re scan of my unmade plans,
Small bump in four months you are brought to life 

And ill whisper quietly, I’ll give you nothing but truth,
If you’re not inside me, I’ll put my future in you

You are my one, and only. You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
You are my one, and only. You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight. And you’ll be alright.

You’re just a small bump unknown, you’ll grow into your skin.
With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin.
Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice.
And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide a small bump, in Four months you’ll open your eyes

And I’ll hold you tightly, and tell you nothing but truth,
If you’re not inside me, I’ll put my future in you
And You can lie with me, with your tiny feet when your half asleep,
I’ll leave you be. Right in front of me for a couple weeks. So I can keep you safe.

Cause You were just a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life.

Maybe you were needed up there but we’re still un-aware as why.

So now I have no idea how I am going to NOT cry and be a hysterical mess at Guy’s concert in 2 weeks time. Which I am jumping out of my skin for as i supported him since his first audition on Australian Idol 10 years ago…

But I am trucking along… Struggling big time at work. Just have no motivation or desire to be here, letalone even do anything. I’ve booked the day off tomorrow cos I can … and also as today is thunderstormy and dark and gloomy and I don’t want to spend it here.

I will be calling and having a chat to the nurse tomorrow as when I spoke to her when she gave me blood results she advised that they would have a meeting and see what the next step would be with us as we didn’t get any frosties this time round. It may be a case of putting me on some drugs for 3 months prior to a fresh cycle to boost the quality of the eggs which get produced so we have chance of getting lots of frosties for back up! Obviously if that’s the path they want us to go down then I want to start that ASAP so in 3 months time we can get back on the ride.

The positive I am taking from this is that, now they know my body, what works etc and where they are able to maybe tweak a few things for a different outcome and from my perspective of things, the best thing now is I know what to expect. Where as being the first round of IVF, no idea what to expect, stressing and being anxious over things beyond my control which were really not even bad at all. So fresh minds for the new cycle in a few months time. Got our rebates back from Medicare yesterday and have a whole heap of things we have kept pushing back (like the removal of carpet and install of our floorboards) which i have kept calling them to push back the whole thing, so pretty much all the rebate money we received back will be gone … in my head its all done. :S So amongst it being super busy (as my dairy tells me we don’t have one weekend off for the next 2 months) it’s saving up again for the next fresh cycle, which fingers crossed is our last fresh cycle and we get lots of back up embies for freeze.  

Thank you to those ladies on and off this blog who have commented/supported me through this time. It’s amazing how nice it actually feels to be able to say these things out loud to someone who actually understands what I am feeling and going through.

 

 

 

 

 

BFN!

Well I’m 9dp5dt today and at day 28 of my cycles, you’ll be happy to know my cycle is still like clockwork. I have blood test on Wednesday to be told that were not pregnant. I know this as AF just started and is making it well known she’s here.

Not upset I don’t think, we’ll I’m fighting back tears, just really angry and annoyed feels like we just wasted $8000 for what?

We won’t be trying till later in the year again now, have to save again for another full cycle since we had no frosties. Just gonna focus on the business we are purchasing for the moment, head interstate for our training course etc and then go from there. Trying to believe everything happens for a reason and in divine time. But then again, believing and understanding are two different things.